How to start this, Haven't been very good and keeping this updated, well we started Clomid (Clomiphene) in July along with charting temperatures. Every morning before I get out of bed, I would have to take my temperature and record it to see if I am ovulating. I also started taking Provera (Medroxyprogesterone) to be able to start my cycle and Clomid to help ovulate. I honestly didn't know that when you start your cycle that sometimes you don't ovulate I just assumed that when you start your cycle you are ovulating, well apparently that is not the case. So Nate and I have been doing this since July, it has been kind of crazy especially my emotions have so out of wack, one minute I am fine and the next thing I know I am crying for no reason. Here is a prime example, I was driving home from school one afternoon , I really wasn’t feeling well, I had just started the Provera a couple of days before when I cought myself speeding as I was slowing down a cop caught me and pulled me over, I rolled down the window, and the officer took one look at me and asked if I was ok, I then proceeded to tell him no I am not ok as I am crying I told him how Nate and I are trying to have a baby and I am on this medication causing me to have my emotions on my sleaves and not to mention I feel like throwing up. The cop took my license and insurance took another look at me and said “just make sure you slow down it is 25 for a reason.” I was like thanks officer as I am wiping my snotty nose on my coat sleeve because I didn’t have any Kleenex in my car.. A few weeks later same cop pulled me over because I was tailgating this jerk who crossed four lanes of traffic and cut me off. Once again I gave him my information, He then asked “Why are you following so close to that car.” My reply “ I was trying to teach him a lesson, he shouldn’t have cut me off and cross four lanes of traffic.” Nate and my friend Callie were like really your going to get arrested, don’t tell him that.” The cop realized who I was and told me “You really need to watch how close your driving to another car. Have a good night.” My only thought on that one is now he saw the other side of the angry side, I feel for this cop, he not only saw me crying like a stuffed pig, but he got to see the angry side that sometimes can be a little out of hand. LOL.
I have found that I do have a really great support system from family and friends. I know that I can be hard to get along with, especially at these times. So thanks to all my family and friends for being understanding…..
So today I got a phone call, I was working but I knew that was my Dr. office, I answered went into the walk in only because it was a little more quiet and a little bit more private. My Dr and his nurse pretty much said that the Clomid isn’t working, and that our next step is to try this Mini source 2, where it is 2 shots of FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone) and one shot of HCG then I have to have a sonogram done, now if anyone knows 90% of insurances don’t pay for fertility specialist or treatments, so Nate and I are going from $100 a month to at least $500-600 increase in bills and prescriptions. This in itself is really scary. After crying for what seemed like an hour to my MIL and then talking to Nate, I feel much better, although I can’t help but feel that a part of me is letting everyone down that I can’t get pregnant at a drop of the hat like most woman can. I honestly have lots of mixed emotions. I know that there is a lot of woman that have more than one child and can barely take care of themselves let alone have 4-5 children how fair is that? I just don’t understand. It completely breaks my heart, knowing that the one thing that I struggle with is conceiving a child and there are tons of woman out there could care less about their children as long as the state gives them a check each month, Really what has the world come to. I do know that the one thing that I want to give Nate is something that is extremely hard, my body apparently doesn’t think that we would be capable as parents or do I blame God. Who can I blame, where do I place the blame, me myself and I? How is that no matter what we do as human beings it is a struggle to acquire the one dream that we both so desperately want to have is it really too much to ask? I pray every night and ask God to help guide me in the right direction, I feel like not only do I fail as a woman, I fail as a daughter, a sister, and WIFE, I fail at life itself. So really why did God not let me keep Destiny? Why did he call her home when he did? Why won’t God give us the chance to be parents? What have I done that was and is so Terrible that I can’t give the one gift that means the world to us a CHILD.. I have this emptiness inside me that never subsides, my arms ache just be able to hold a child of ours, one to call our own. I know that I sound like I am doubting God, but really I am not I just have questions that only he can answer. So what do I do, I continue to leave it in Gods hands…. You know it is so much easier said then done.
I have so many things running through my head. My emotions once again are completely out of control. I have fits of Jealousy, rage, frustrations, hurt. Where and when does it get easier. When do we say enough is enough, how much heartache can one person go through?
